What You Should Look for When Choosing the Perfect Christmas Tree

There is no more important decision you will make in your life than whatever type of Christmas tree you will purchase. Do not make a mistake here.

The majority of folks arrive at their local Christmas tree lot with no understanding of what they’re searching for in a tree. Basically, they’re making themselves look bad by saying things like, “Uhhmm, that one looks good, I think?” You no longer have the right to be a Christmas-tree ignoramus. Make use of the information in the following list so you may confidently approach that guy with the knit cap and tough flannel and say, “I’d like a six-foot Scotch pine, tree-tender, sir; and make it snappy!”

Douglas fir is the most fragrant of all the Christmas trees.

Fir trees are the only option if infusing your home with that distinctive Christmas smell is essential to your holiday happiness and enjoyment. Some people prefer the Balsam fir or a good Fraser fir, but the Douglas fir is, in my opinion, the most fragrant of all the Christmas trees, with the exception of the Fraser fir. All about you can smell the lovely, powerful, piney perfume that proudly proclaims, “It’s Christmas, asshole.”

Scotch pine is the most hardy of all the Christmas trees.

It is the Scotch pine that you should consider purchasing if you enjoy Christmas but despise clearing up piles of tree trimmings and leaves. Despite the fact that you don’t put their needles in water, these babies grasp onto their needles with a desperation that is hard to describe. Because Scotch pine needles are sharp, this may not be the best choice if you have children who are prone to poking their eyes into things. The downside:

The blue spruce is the best Christmas tree for heavy ornaments.

You’ll be reminded of the firm arms of a seductive lumberjack when you see the sturdy branches of the Blue spruce. Even the heaviest of ornaments would never fall from the hands of your ideal woodsman, and the Blue spruce is no exception. The disadvantage is that it has a foul odor, similar to that of a lumberjack.

The Korean fir is the most ostentatious Christmas tree.

If you have to do Christmas just a little bit better than everyone else this year, I recommend investing in a Korean fir this time. The foreign provenance of this tree (it is native to Asia), its silver needles, and its higher-than-average price tag provide infinite opportunities to casually one-up acquaintances who are already barely tolerating you in your current state.

The balsam fir is the most traditional Christmas tree.

If you’re looking for a traditional Christmas tree, a Balsam fir is hard to beat. Earliest picked and sold by enterprising tree-heads to Scandinavian immigrants living in Chicago and Milwaukee, the Balsam fir was the inspiration for the first American Christmas tree tradition. They have a wonderful scent, and they have the most classic Christmas tree appearance. The downside is that the branches are spaced far apart, which might make the tree appear sparse; also, because this is a boomer Christmas tree, it is tuned onto Fox News.

The following is the best Christmas tree if you have allergies: Leyland Cypress is a type of tree native to the United Kingdom.

If you’re allergic to tree sap, I’d recommend a Leyland cypress as an alternative. This dark green tree emits no Christmas-like odors and produces no sap, making it an excellent choice for indoor planting. Consequently, if you have tree allergies (or simply dislike the fragrance of a pine forest in your home), you can put up a Leyland Cypress instead of having to explain to everyone why you truly enjoy Christmas despite the fact that you don’t have a tree in your home.

The noble fir is the best Christmas tree for a spacious space.

Noble fir trees are the largest species of fir tree, and in the wild, these suckers can grow to be more than 250 feet tall. In order to decorate a taller space, such as the lobby of a gloomy office building in an industrial court or the dumb double-tall living room of your idiotic McMansion, a Noble is recommended. They’re enormous!

If you just want to get this over with, the following is the best Christmas tree: Tree that has been artificially created

Those of us who consider the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day to be the “hassle season” are eager for it to be over with. For us, we have an artificial Christmas tree. To save yourself the trouble of spending your Sunday money on a dead plant that you’ll toss out in a couple of weeks, simply drag the fake tree out of the closet. Easy! When it comes to artificial Christmas trees, while technology has progressed to the point where some of the better ones now look virtually real, there is something to be said for the bravery of putting up an obviously artificial tree, such as a white or silver one.

The Fraser fir is the best-looking Christmas tree overall.

They have a wonderful scent. They have needles that are pliable. They have a long shelf life. They are shaped in the traditional “triangle” fashion, which shouts “Christmas.” There is simply no better choice for a Christmas tree than the Fraser fir, and if any of you cretins want to challenge me on this point, I will defend my position with my fists if necessary.